European iPhones are more fun now

Apple has responded to new EU tech regulations by giving European iPhone owners more options, more flexibility, and more fun. And it’s unfair.

Whining about stuff is a treasured American pastime, so allow me to indulge: the iPhone is more fun in Europe now, and it’s not fair.

They’re getting all kinds of stuff because they have cool regulators, not like, regular regulators. Third-party app stores, the ability for browsers to run their own engines, Fortnite, and now the ability to replace lots of default apps? I want it, too! Imagine if Chrome on iOS wasn’t just a rinky dink little Safari emulator! Imagine downloading a new dialer app with a soundboard of fart sounds and setting it as your default! Unfortunately, Apple doesn’t seem interested in sharing these possibilities with everyone.

Sure, we got retro game emulators in the app store. And that rules. But that’s only because Apple was worried everyone in the EU was about to download AltStore PAL so they could play Ocarina of Time on their iPhones. (Also, the US Department of Justice had just sued the company, so that probably served as inspiration too.)

But outside of emulators and its begrudging adoption of RCS, Apple only seems interested in doing the bare minimum to keep regulators off its back. It’s starting to look like the company sells two different iPhones: one for people in Europe, and one that everyone else can buy. That’s weird, especially since keeping things simple and consistent is sort of Apple’s thing. But the company is so committed to keeping the two separate that it won’t even let you update apps from third-party app stores if you leave the EU for more than a month.

Here’s the thing: wouldn’t it just be good business to offer everyone the same choices no matter where they live? It’s not as if Apple was making two different iPhones to try to appeal to different cultural preferences. It’s making one iPhone that’s more flexible and customizable, and one that isn’t.

Maybe, bit by bit, Apple will cave in and offer parity the way it did with emulators. But think the company should make an uncharacteristic move: drop the charade and let everyone, everywhere have the same iPhone. It would be bold! Courageous, even! But most importantly, it would be a lot more fun.